Heartfelt Family Stories

The following funeral was suggested entirely by the funeral director. This is an important fact to know since the majority of creative funerals in America and Canada result from the suggestion of the family. For every creative family we serve who comes to us with suggestions, however, there are 30 more that would opt for creative ideas that appropriately demonstrate appreciation for their deceased family member. Many of these families simply avoid the purchase of a casket, viewing and the services of a funeral home and organize a creative or personalized event on their own because they don’t think a funeral home can help them create anything other than a traditional funeral.

At Dave’s Funeral:

1. Funeral attendees were invited to greet the family under an outdoor tent outside of the zoo gates where coffee and cocktails were served, and an opportunity for informal social exchange between family and friends was provided.  They were given a 10-inch square memorial folder imprinted with the ceremony agenda and pictures of the deceased throughout his life.
2. At the appointed service time, family and friends boarded one of several waiting zoo trains and began a slowRide to the first “ceremony presentation,” this one in front of the outdoor bear pavilion. At this station, several tripods held enlarged photographs of animals that had been taken by Dave. These were on display next to a podium with a microphone.
3. Once family and friends disembarked the trains and gathered around the podium, Dave’s wife, Margaret, began a discussion of her husband and, in particular, their safari experiences and devotion and love for animals. At the conclusion of her remarks, she invited others to share memories and recollections of her husband. The group then re-boarded the trains for the short ride to the next “ceremony Station”.
4. At the second stop, at the lions’ pavilion, several more tripods displayed

Blown-up articles about Dave, his work and his devotion to the animals, and a display table held Dave’s PETA awards and PETA donation envelopes. Dave’s closest friend, Don Strattermier, began the presentation, talking about his friendship with Dave and Dave’s love for animals. He then introduced Christine, who related her “behind the scenes” experience of Dave’s work in PETA,

Sharingeveral little known but admiral successes and breakthroughs he had accomplished on behalf of animal rights. At the conclusion of her remarks attendees were given another opportunity to make spontaneous remarks.

5. The entourage re-boarded the trains and proceeded to the zoo arboretum. Chairs facing a large screen enabled family and friends to sit while viewing an eight-minute slide presentation of the deceased life; photographs taken from the family album depicted Dave from his childhood to present, including several safari scenes. The very last picture was a close-up of Dave’s face. While that photograph remained on the screen, attendees heard four rings of a telephone, followed by Dave’s voice on his personal home message machine, a message most of the audience was familiar with: “Hi, this is Dave. I’m on safari, leave me a message and I hope to meet you along the trail somewhere someday.” 

Following the slide presentation, each person was given a three-by-five card and pen to write a message to Dave and/or Margaret.

6. Following the slide presentation, an opportunity was provided for those who cared to, to pay their last respects to the deceased, whose casketed body lay in state among the foliage and flowers of the arboretum. As they went by the casket, each was greeted by Margaret who received their message cards, hugs and loving words.
7. At the conclusion of the viewing, the funeral procession was formed in the zoo parking lot for the trip to the cemetery.
8. The casketed body was hoisted atop of Dave’s beloved 75 year old elephant Tranzago which began a slow trek to “The Teachers Valley”; a well groomed animal cemetery.

at the zoo, followed by friends and family on foot. Prior permission had been obtained from the local city Mayors office for the burial.

9. Although the family was not religious, the funeral director felt that Dave had lived a spiritual life and suggested that a local  Buddhist  devotee and friend of Dave and Margaret who could draw those parallels between his devotion to animals and his spirituality be asked to make brief remarks to that effect at the committal service.
10. The funeral director also suggested that Don Strattermier remain at the gravesite until the casket was lowered and the graved filled.

It should be noted that Tranzago refused

 
The End

It’s entirely possible for every funeral to be personalized to the memory of the deceased, helping attendees express appreciation for his/her life. Every funeral can have what I call that “cathartic moment.” In this funeral, the deceased voice on his familiar voice mail message was that moment.

On the surface, it may appear that this ceremony required immense additional time and effort to organize. Certainly it’s true that it did require additional effort but not a great deal. The funeral home did the following:

1. Obtained permission and cooperation from the zoo administrator and placed appropriate newspaper notices.
2. Ordered a tent set up at the zoo entrance and prepared the special memorial folders.
3. Organized a caterer for coffee and cocktails.
4. Organized the availability of the zoo trains, driven by funeral home staff.
5. Obtained tripods and enlarged pictures and articles for display and set them in place with a podium and microphone at each of the two “ceremony stations.”
6. Briefly coached Margaret, Don and Christine in their remarks.
7. created the slide show and voice mail inclusion and provided the “remarks” cards.
8. Set the casket in place and organized the viewing.
9. Obtained permission for the burial in The Valley of Teachers.
10. Organized the funeral procession to The Valley of Teachers.
11. Obtained just the right committal service officiate.
12. Collected the funeral home full professional service fee plus cash advances for the tent, caterer and other incidental outlays.

If these kinds of meaningful ceremonies are not suggested and organized by the funeral home staff, more and more families will opt out of the casket purchase and viewing and simple organize the ceremony on their own. I see it happening more and more and, in fact, I attended a funeral last week in which I was asked by the family to officiate. His daughter gave the eulogy, another friend created the video and a caterer served lunch. At the conclusion, attendees took turns talking out loud to their deceased friend, some regaling us with amusing stories and past events and others biding him a tearful goodbye. It was a moving and powerful experience, and I was touched by it but also sadden that there was no viewing or any involvement of a funeral home. The day before the ceremony his body had simple been cremated in a cardboard container.

Make no doubt about it, this segment of our market will continue to go away in increasing droves until we have the courage to learn how to quickly connect emotionally with our clients so that they will allow us to engage in a kind of sensitive exploration of whom the deceased was beneath the facts and figures of his/her life — and make ceremony suggestions based upon our discoveries.

Our studies of American and Canadian funeral directors sadly reveal that only a very small minority make complete and creative ceremony suggestions to their clients. Of course we are efficient at carrying out the request of those few clients who suggest something creative. But, if no client request are made, most ceremonies end up being simply expensive and uninteresting. What’s wrong with that picture?

We, as funeral directors, must connect with our clients and make creative and acceptable ceremony suggestions, including that cathartic moment, that all-important “wow” factor, or they will remain simple order takers. Just ask the family and friends of Dave McBurnett. They’ll tell you.

Bill Bates is CEO and founder of Life Appreciation Training Seminars. He can be reached at
BillBates@LifeAppreciation.com or 800-877-8905. For more information about Life Appreciation Training Seminars, please visit www.LifeAppreciation.com.